Lorren Gordon – 5 Games to Spend Winter With
Well folks, here we are once again! The trees have shed their skin, the sky-dwellers have moved on to a more acceptable climate and I certainly remember all the lyrics to the masterpiece entitled “Last Christmas”. I hate winter. The only acceptable thing about this unforgiving time of year is that I can hole up inside and crush some video games with an educated retort to stupid questions like, “Dude, how long have you been playing that game?” Bitch, all day! It’s dead outside. Move along.
Silent Hill 2 – PS2
For fans of survival horror, mystery, dry heaving
The level of discomfort and sheer panic this game brings to the table is untouchable; the unmoving town, painted in the remains of its foundation, is disrupted only by the ever-so delicate white noise, a single flashlight and of course, the famous Pyramid Head having his way with visibly moist Mannequins. Seriously, if all the hot air you are expelling from the panic attack isn’t keeping you warm, then the fresh pee-pee in your pants will.
Bayonetta – Xbox 360, PS3
For fans of Devil May Cry, Ninja Gaiden, Hyper-action
Blasphemously overlooked, Platinum games took the “Hack and Slash” genre, gave it a bunch of uppers and molded one of the greatest action games of all time. Not many things are as rewarding as dodging the sharp spear of an angel with a backflip, then shooting at it with the guns in your hands, and the guns on your feet. Time your escape well enough and end up triggering “Witch Time”. “Witch Time” allows you to enjoy super slow motion for a few seconds, offering the perfect opportunity to unleash your fiercest combo. Have you ever seen a demon made of hair eat an angel? It rules.
Time Splitters 2 – Xbox, PS2, Gamecube
For fans of First Person Shooters, Time Travel, Zombies
If you were to ask anyone from my generation what their most beloved first person shooter was, you would be safe to put your money on their answer being Goldeneye. Don’t get me wrong, that game was terrific, but my fondest memories are of playing Time Splitters 2 with my best friends. It is a fast paced hurricane that has endless possibility. Want to have waves of zombies coming at you to decapitate with your shotgun? Cool. Want to use monkeys as clay pigeons? You got it! This shit is all over the place and it is splendid. I strongly suggest gathering a few of your friends, your 24 pack of Mountain Dew, and set it to one shot kill, bricks only. You’re welcome.
Earthbound – SNES
For fans of Pokemon, Turn based strategy, warm fuzzies
Earthbound is the most adorable game ever. You literally have to call your mom and dad to cure the ailment “Homesickness”. You can buy a teddy bear that will follow you, and protect you from harm. Are you kidding me? This game should come with insulin. It also has more pop culture references (especially retro sci-fi) than anyone can count. The story of Ness and his oddball friends is captivating and transforming. This game makes you want to be a better person. The RPG’s turn based combat has aged like scotch and the dialogue will always make you laugh. I highly recommend you visit Saturn Valley and say “Boing” to Mr. Saturn!
Final Fantasty IX – PS1
For fans of In-Depth Story, JRPGs, Leveling and grinding
Being a smart-ass is a sure-fire way to ensure success in life. I say this because even though I was a foul-mouthed, maniacal little bastard, my mother still deemed my penniless ass worthy of receiving a new game or two each year on that magical day in December. Christmas of 2000 treated me especially well; my first RPG was bestowed upon me, and I was not short on luck with this one – FFIX is truly a masterpiece. The awe-inspiring visuals were way ahead of their time, the exhilarating story plays out flawlessly and each character is expertly crafted to create a genuinely one of a kind experience. If someone tries to tell you that video games are not art, I want you to aim for the head and chuck this game’s jagged case with as much force as you can muster. Kupo!
There you have it! Now you have access to hours and hours of activities to keep you from spending your hard earned Christmas money on no-no juice. Maybe you can use the money you save to turn the heat on in your apartment and stop whining about the cold, you big dummy.